MS TB: Disgraceful

From 10/24/06

Have you ever done something or said something that was seemingly ok, but when it gets down to it, what you really had done or said was, “God, you’re not enough for me.”  Do you know what I’m talking about?  Like, when you’re bored at home and want something to do, and that “little voice” in your head says, “why don’t you read your Bible,” and you’re like, “yeah, ummm…I’d rather not,” and you turn the tv on.  But, it’s friday night, and everyone knows nothing good comes on friday nights, so you call up your friends.  But, then again, it IS friday night, so they don’t answer.  So, you get on the computer and catch up with all your online friends on AIM, Facebook, MySpace.  You know how we do.  Why do we waste so much time avoiding God??  I think that maybe sometimes we are afraid that we actually might get close to Him.  And in doing that, maybe…just maybe we will be changed and won’t fit in anymore.  So, really, God IS enough for us, but we don’t want Him to be.  There are certain areas of our lives that we don’t want Him to touch because we’re not ready to be totally surrendered yet.  But, you know what?  We need to just stop playing around and give up!  Surrender to God!!  We will never amount to anything in the Kingdom if we’re not surrendered to Him.  God is clocking you, so just pull over and give the Man what He wants.

The above scenario isn’t my story anymore, but it seems like I find other ways to say, “You’re not enough for me, God.”  It such a disgrace!  Sometimes I can’t stand myself.  I mean, I know what I’m doing, I know what I need to do, but I don’t do it!  On top of that, I get mad for acting like an idiot, but I STILL don’t do anything about it!!  How long will this cycle continue?  Will I ever get it together?  Sure I will…eventually.  For those of you who understand the DISC personality model, I am an SC.  For those who aren’t familiar, I could talk about that all day, so go look it up.  The S in me is more dominant than the C, but the C is still pretty high.  So on the S side of me, I’m laid back, partially lazy, and I procrastinate often.  What doesn’t get done will get done…eventually.  What’s the rush?  I’m also people oriented.  On the C side, I want everything in order, so, “you know you should have done so-in-so…when are you going to get that done…you know you should be doing xyz!!”  I am my own conscience!  So, my main dilemma is always one of people vs. God.  I like people.  I like God.  I like to hang out with people.  Hanging out with God is cool, but not the same as hanging out with people.  I like to talk to my friends.  I like to talk to God, and we’ll converse sometimes, but He doesn’t always talk back in the way I want Him to…especially when I really really need Him to seems like.  I’m sure you can see where I’m going with this.  The C side of me says that behavior is totally unacceptable.  How can you compare your friends with God?  That is not right.  That disgraceful!   There’s a constant battle going on between myself and…myself.  I long for the relationships and companionship of people, but I don’t always get it.  And when I don’t, then I go off the deep end talking about how nobody cares about me and crap like that.  Whatever!  I need to just not even worry about that and focus TOTALLY on God.  He has so much stuff for me to do I can’t really afford to be stuck on people.  Ha!  That is SOOO easy to say!  I haven’t quite figure out how to DO it yet, but I’m working on it.  You know what’s confusing though?  God wired me like that!!  Isn’t that amazing?  God in all of His greatness created me to have an inner dependence on people, but yet He still expects me to be totally dependent on Him.  That gets me everytime.  God is quite hilarious, but He knows what He’s doing.  And it’s not my job to figure that out.  I just need to simply pull over, get out of the car, and put my hands where He can see them.  If I cooperate, then everyone will be fine, and no one gets hurt.  God…grant me the will to do it!!

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