Hello world. I want to share something with you. FYI, this is not a happy-go-lucky-fun-and-light-hearted Jessica-like random thought post. This is serious, deep, and will probably make you want to pray. So, if you’re not in the mood for something a little dark, please come back another time, or read some of my other posts.
We are doing a small group curriculum called Life’s Healing Choices: Freedom From Your Habits, Hurts, & Hang-ups. This thing is really tearing me apart! A lot of people have really deep stuff going on with them and to be free they need prayer, fasting, 12 steps, etc. But me…the freedom will come when I simply share what’s going on with me with other people! That is soooooo hard for me to do. I’m not so much afraid of what people will think about me as much as I am afraid to just tell ’em! I’m a very private person. I’m not sure why, but I don’t like a lot of people knowing my “business,” not that there’s a lot of business to know. Honestly, it’s really quite contradictory. I mean, I want to have more people in my inner circle who know me, but yet I let people only get soo far. What is that?? Is it a control thing? I don’t know. Pray for me in that area. Anyway, I was writing in my journal (yes…I still keep a journal in addition to this site! I can’t put EVERYTHING on here lol), and I always read the previous one or two entries just to see where my head was before, or to see what I was talking about. As part of me opening up (and I am actually going to share this with a physical person to start this freedom process. It could be you!) and overcoming my fear, I want to share an excerpt of one entry with you followed by my thoughts on what I wanted to say tonight. (for those wondering about the date, I keep several journals and write in all of them, so that’s why the date is soo old)
Thursday–July 24, 2008 9:36PM
I have become a different person–and not in a good way! I’ve developed some attitudes, thoughts, habits, mindsets, and actions that are just not right. I’ve become soo unlike me I hardly even recognize myself sometimes. I’ve found myself believing things about myself that aren’t true. God’s been saying stuff about me and I’m just like “yeah right!” Soo apathetic. Our relationship has suffered soo much I hardly know what to do anymore! I’ve tried soo many different things, but it’s just like putting new wine in old skins–it just leaks out. I try to get into praise & worship, but it doesn’t move me…well, the music does, but not the Spirit. And the times when I am able to worship, I can’t press like I want to. I can’t get “there,” and it feels like I’m just putting on a show. You know more than anything I hate to be fake but man…that’s been me for a while. And it’s not that I’m being fake, I’m just seriously TRYING to get there. There’s been numerous opportunities for me to respond to the message to start again, but because of pride or just hardening of the heart I didn’t respond. You say, “Whoa Jess! What’s going on with you? I’ve never heard you speak like THIS before!” Well, all I can say is it’s about time! Every Christian goes through a period like this, and I’m glad I can get through mine early in life! Every Christian who’s going to really DO something in the Kingdom has a bout with faith failing, belief dropping, strength waning, and/or hope fleeting. We all have times where we need extra grace, and it’s BECAUSE of His grace that we can stay in our mess as long as we do and eventually find our way back to Him. It’s in these times that we finally understand that Him loving us has ABSOLUTELY NOTHING to do with anything we do, say, or our actions. He sees us from a totally different perspective, and that’s why we can’t begin to understand why/how He loves us the way He does. The Bible says that our thoughts are not His thoughts nor our ways His ways.
When I read that again, I was like…WOW! Now, I must add that I’ve had a few “come to Jesus” moments since then and have been able to press through and come to terms with some things, but there was always something in the background holding me back not allowing me to be fully renewed. I didn’t understand that what was until this curriculum came and just picked my life apart! There’s been some guilt that I can’t shake lurking around the crevices of my life. It explains everything! It explains why I haven’t been able to REALLY pray like I need to because I feel like I’m unworthy (well…I am…but you know what I mean) and don’t deserve for my prayers to be answered, therefore causing me to pray with doubt in my heart which is madness. It explains why I haven’t been able to get into the Word like I need to because I was frustrated and looking for something, couldn’t find it, but didn’t even know what I was looking for! It explains my reclusive behavior, because after all, if I don’t come around much then you won’t what’s going on and won’t be poking around in my life. Isn’t that just absolutely insane?? See what happens when you let the devil in? He’ll have you doing the exact opposite of what you need to do! GEEZ!! I couldn’t even FAST right yall. I mean, I got through the time 99% perfectly as far as the food goes, but…you know. But anyway…you know what I love about God? In the midst of all the mess in our lives, He STILL takes the time to show us glimpses of how much He loves us, how hard He’s STILL pursuing us, and how He’s not gonna give up on us. That’s been one of my favorite lines of praise when I’m praying: Thank You for pursuing me, God, and not giving up on me!
Anyway, so I told you a few posts ago that this is 2009 and a new Jess will be emerging. Well…here you have it! Pray for your sister. Pray that I find the courage to pick out that person who I can pour my life out to that will be able to handle it and will honor the sanctity of that/those moment(s). Come on yall…you know what that means so don’t act brand new. Ok,… for those who want to be difficult, that means someone who is trustworthy and won’t have me on the 6:00 news! I already have half the courage I need. Half of it came with the decision to share, because at the beginning of this curriculum I had made up my mind that I wasn’t sharing nothing with nobody! (and that’s good English!) My feelings were this: if THIS is what it’s gonna take for me to be spiritually free, then maybe I’ll stay bound up for a little while longer. Seriously! Yeah, I know yall don’t know this side of me, but you will! But anyway, I just feel a sense of urgency…almost like I’m holding God up on something. Now…I know that I’m not “all that” and don’t actually have the power to hold up GOD…but that’s how I feel! I feel like if I don’t get my life together NOW, then something can’t happen…something won’t get done…someone will be affected–besides me! That scares me…well, I wouldn’t say “scares,” but it really does greatly concern me. So, all I have to say is…pray! Pray now!