he he he

…I’ve just discovered that WordPress is not a filtered site on the work domain!  You know what that means?  I can blog at work!!  he he he, I should have never discovered this lol.  Well, at least you (my readers) can get real time thoughts & content now.  He he he, this is kinda cool though!  I get to publish this stuff fresh off the dome and don’t have to wait until I get home…no I did not intend for that to rhyme!  The only thing I don’t particularly like about this is that I probably won’t write in my journal as much.  Oh well.  Knowing me I’ll just print this stuff and paste it in there lol.

I do have one thought while I’m on here though.  I’m frustrated with work again!  Well, let me take a few steps back.  I never stopped being frustrated, but that feeling of entrapment is back again.  You know, that feeling that I don’t know what I’m doing here anymore, but yet there’s no place else to go?  Pause.  I am VERY grateful to have a job right now!!  Having been unemployed before and knowing lots of unemployed/underemployed people right now, Lord KNOWS I’m grateful.  As bad as this sucks, I’d rather be bored & frustrated & employed than scared & struggling & unemployed.  Play.  I’ve been here for almost 4 years.  Traditionally speaking that’s nothing, but in today’s time that’s some tenure!  Things have gotten progressively worse over those 4 years.  Well, “worse” sounds soo harsh.  I suppose I should explain.  I took this job a few months before I graduated out of desperation.  My current job was ending in about two months, and I didn’t want to be in the same situation I was in before with that job (contract ending with nothing in place).  I prayed for a job, and I was very specific.  I wanted a part time job in the IT field (which is just about non-existent!) that would  pay me at least what I was making and would “give me a chance.”  God answered with this job!  Now, I knew that I wasn’t going to like the job when I took it (because it was mostly a phone job), but I took it anyway because I had a plan.  So, I took the job, learned as much as could and was ok because I had a goal.  However, the plan didn’t work out the way I planned.  As a matter of fact, it STILL hasn’t worked, and quite frankly that plan is not soo good anymore.  So here I am four years later doing the same thing over and over…and over again!  I started getting burned out at the two year mark honestly.  Quite frankly, in my profession, most people don’t do this longer than 2 years!  The only thing that keeps things interesting around here is all the changes that happen all the time.  This company is very volatile since we have a niche but can’t get comfortable and are leading the market.  Honestly, I don’t even like it when things change, but it keeps it interesting. 

So, I’m at the place again where I kinda want a new job, but yet don’t want to leave here.  My situation is so not cookie cutter.  I love the company I work for.  It has very cool products that you can really see making strides in society.  I love the people I work with.  We’re soo close and tight knit.  They are a fun bunch of people, and I wouldn’t want to work with anyone else.  The benefits used to be phenomenal, but now they are just “ok.”  My salary is good for the small amount of experience I had coming in, and praise God it has increased every year.  I’m making 75% more per hour now than I was when I first started.  All of that is great, but I just don’t like what I DO here!  People say, “well why don’t you find something else within the company?”  When something comes up that I actually like I will be the first to apply!  I don’t think I’m a good fit anywhere else.  My original plan was to be on the IT team, but I’m not sure that I actually want to do that anymore.  I hate accounting & sales, I know nothing about marketing, and I don’t want to be a TLC.  All the other jobs that open up either don’t pay enough or are “too big” for me–in my opinion.  Can you imagine me being on the Product Management team?  Well, maybe you can, but I can’t.  Those type of jobs are soo corporate and stuffy.  I’m a worker bee type person.  I need something to DO.  I don’t create…I DO.  Sure, I could go to another company and get another job in IT right now, but I’ll be in the same situation in 6 mos.  I’m looking for fulfillment now!!  Can I have a job that I actually like going to?!  I wake up everyday wrestling.  I don’t want to get up because I don’t want to go.  I lay there and try to think of every excuse in the book for why I can’t show up, but I don’t like to make things up, so I decide to get up and get ready.  I come in at whatever time I come in when I’m normal one to be early.  I get in here and I just feel like crap.  I can’t even start my work right away because I need a few minutes to get my mind right first.  So, I check my personal email first, check Facebook, and then work emails.  When I think I’m finally ready to get bombarded with trouble, then I login on the phones and start the day for real.  THIS IS NO WAY TO LIVE!  If you are a person of faith, then please pray for me!  I do not know what I should do, and honestly I should pray about this more myself.

I think about teaching sometimes.  For those who don’t know, I wanted to be a teacher from birth until about age 15.  That’s when I fell in love with computers by the way.  I forgot about teaching up until a year or two ago.  It pops up in my head every now and then.  You know, like “what if…I wonder if I…should I?”  I pray about it every now and then, but nothing ever comes of it.  Now the thought of going to school again for Journalism is creeping up, but I don’t think that’s for me.  I just happen to know a couple folks who are going back to school right now.  I know God already has my writing career already lined out.  In the meantime, I’m just here trying to make it everyday…waiting for answers.

Sorry this one is so long, but you see I have this much time at work (lol), and also work is a sore spot for me.  You know what it is though about this job?  I’ve finally figured it out.  In tech support, we help people who need help.  If you’re calling me you need help.  No one calls just to say hello or tell us anything good.  So all day I’m taking negative on top of negative on top of negative on top of negative, and I’ve never learned how to properly deal with all that.  I didn’t even know it was affecting me until last year.  I used to be a total positive person and the glass was half full.  But over the years I’ve just noticed myself getting increasingly more negative.  I thought that maybe it was just life happening because of things I’ve been through, but even through those things I maintained a positive attitude.  So I’ve got 4 years worth of negative crap in me and it’s horrible.  I’ve got to get out of this environment!!

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