You know, if you only talk about or do certain things, despite what’s really going on in your life, people are going to think of you a certain way. For example, why was this Tiger Woods fiasco so shocking? Because the media only told us certain things about him. Also, he appeared to be a certain way and spoke very well. So, we all thought he such a great guy that never did anything wrong. Why am I saying this? I don’t want the same situation to be my story. I don’t want to be a writer who only writes happy, positive stuff, and then this obtuse picture is painted of me too. So, although for me it’s harder to write things that aren’t positive and happy, it’s necessary to display the balance in my life to my readers. For those of you who don’t care what I write, thank God for you! In the past I have had a problem with people painting pictures of me and having unspoken expectations of me because of what they saw on the surface without digging deeper and getting to know me. That won’t be the case anymore!
Alright, that was kind of a weird intro which had absolutely NOTHING to do with what I’m about to write except warn you that it’s not positive and happy lol. Anyway, I’m reading a book now called Crazy Love: Overwhelmed By A Relentless God by Francis Chan. I got it last night, and I immediately read the first two chapters. Although I wanted to stay up all night reading tonight, I decided that one chapter a day (only 10 chapters) would be sufficient so I can actually take in and meditate on what I read. Anyway, this book has been circulating the conversation in my small group for a while. So, out of sheer curiosity–and also hope that it would reveal some things to me–I bought the book. Now THAT (buying the book) was a feat in and of itself! I’ve stopped saying that I’m not a reader because you get what you say. I now say that I am developing my appetite for reading :-). Anyway, I’m only on chapter three, but this book is a must read!! Especially if you call yourself a Christian. Even more so if you been saved for a long time. Anyhoo, although I’ve started blogging, I still actually WRITE and keep several journals. I’m keeping my thoughts in my spiritual growth journal as I sojourn through this book. I’d like to share with you tonight’s entry.
You know, everyone has always talked about how you project your relationship with your father on God. I’ve never really paid much attention to that because my relationship with my father is great! However, after reading this chapter tonight, I’m thinking that there may be some things that I’ve overlooked that may be the culprit in straining my relationship with God. My father is very chill. As a matter of fact, he extremely nonchalant to the point of laziness. Although he will keep you laughing and is a very nice guy, he will beat you DOWN if you do something wrong. Also, he doesn’t say much unless there is a subject to discuss or you get him on his soapbox about something. My father also made a lot of promises that to this day have not been realized. Well…I take that back. He said a lot of good stuff that he believed would happen–somehow–but those things never happened. Now that I write this I see how I’ve transposed this onto God! The Bible says a lot of stuff and makes a lot of promises. God says He’ll take care of us and do xyz, but oftentimes it appears to me that He hasn’t. I often feel as if God leaves me hanging. It also seems like God isn’t a good conversationalist sometimes. I want to converse with Him soo bad all the time–converse as in TWO people engaging!–but He doesn’t always talk back to me. I’m always soo jealous when I hear people talking about what God said to them and how they carried on this big, long conversation. Don’t get me wrong…God and I converse, but not as often as I’d like! Oh yes, I can’t forget the FEAR of God! I know God to be very loving and extremely hilarious at times, but MAN do I hate making Him upset!! I feel like everytime I do something wrong He’s gonna make something bad happen as His version of my father beating us down. I suppose that means I’m seeing Him more of a “tit for tat” type person sometimes. You know…you cursed, so I smite thee. You stole, so I smite thee. You fornicated, so oh man…I smite thee AND you’re not getting married for another 50 years!
How crazy is that?! But hey, these are the things I know a father to be, so what else would I expect from God? No wonder our relationship is all screwed up! And as far as loving Him goes…well, I don’t really know now! Just like the author said, I know God loves me and that I’m supposed to love Him too, and I am in total agreement with that. However, I don’t think that I am IN love with Him. You know what I mean? I mean, I don’t think I act like someone who is in love. You know how we tell folks when we break-up: We tell them that we love them, but we’re not IN love with them. I think it’s like that. Do I desire to be in love with God? HECK YEAH!!! I suppose I’m just not there yet. I can’t wait to finish this book so I can learn what else is wrong with me, but more importantly how to fall in love for real for real with God.